GARVY

People tell me I fart like a gay man, not because I fart a lot but because of my inherent similarity to gay icon Andersson Cooper

One time I thought I found Dory in the seafood isle, but actually it was just a member of the blue man group who had developed early onset Alzheimer’s

“I really need to brush up on my Russian” said the man who forgot he was in the middle of painting his Russian child blue.

Sports fans always argue whether or not KD is better than LBJ. I never had any idea Lyndon b Johnson was so good at basketball.

I’m not like most girls. I smell like a freaking oyster.

It turns out that Kanye’s future sunday service concerts have been canceled amidst rumors of staff mistreatment. In other news, I have some tickets in case someone wanted to go to some church somewhere.

Arthur’s, from the children’s tv show, full name is actually Arthur Read to show that he has the ability to read. Also, I’m looking to hire anyone with the last name of blow job

Mussolini was just rated 71st on the list of the most evil people ever, which is just above Emperor Nero and right under the guy who made single ply toilet paper

Every great chef will tell you that your eyes eat first, but not mine, mine are in time out for looking at for the leaked photos of Danny Devito’s asshole

They say that dogs don’t understand how mirrors work, and that’s why they always bark at them, unlike us humans who know to be polite to our twin.

Digital photos are usually filtered by altering their RGB values, which of course is named after the legendary Ruth Gader Binsburg

Maybe our allies betray us because it was never an alliance, all along it was just short for Allison

They say that sometimes you have to take short term pain for long term gain but I still have no idea why my doctor bit my dick off.

I’m really bad in competitions because my hands always shake when I’m nervous. They also shake when I’m not nervous. I’ve replaced my hands with vibrators.

tpot accounts are always talking about the grind. I hope they don’t mean their teeth 😬

I hate when interviewers ask what my biggest flaw is. It’s like impossible to explain how I got a jar of peanut butter stuck in my ass.

I wonder if kissing a person is anything like kissing the mirror.

I’m a normal gal just like the rest of y'all, after I have a stressful day I like to hit the town. The town is what I call our family dog.